July 5, 2013

July 5, 2013

The morning came faster than I expected.  We were all up and ready to go. My dad kissed me, said his well wishes and was off to work. Deeco and I drove to the hospital, My mother stopped picked up my grandmother and met us there. The drive to the hospital was the shortest ride ever. All the times before time was ticking as slow as possible, this time it flew by. I can remember walking into the hospital to get ready to be prepped for surgery. We all sat in the waiting room together with awkward silence and a few comments faking this was going to be an easy time. Everyone kept saying its going to be over before you know it.

I am extremely anal about things being planned out. I like to mentally be able to prep myself so I make sure I have every detail before something happens. It actually is not a good trait in situations like this. I've learned a lot of things don't go as planned. You have to learn to roll with the punches. I can remember the volunteer calling my name. She was a cute elderly lady with silver hair. She had a pleasant smile. My grandmother was in a wheel chair, she had just had hip surgery. The elderly volunteer walked, Deeco, My mom, Grandmother & I down a long plain gloomy hall wall. She tried to make small talk. I didn't say a word. I walked in front of everyone, I had a lump in my throat the size of a baseball, I was fighting back tears that began to hurt. But why was I so nervous? This was a normal procedure, no big deal? 

I want to first explain the "Plan". Plan was that I was going to be put completely out. I was going to be sleeping for the procedure, have a three to four inch incision and spend over night in the hospital. Doctor said his patients walked the next day, no problem. Cake right? One thing Deeco and My Mom kept telling me was, "You're going to be put to sleep, wake up and its all going to be over". Boy were they wrong. 

Finally after walking the long hall way that felt like miles, I arrived to the double door of the OR. I turned to Deeco, My mom and Grandma to say my good-byes. I had a fifty ton brick sitting on my chest. Pregnancy shouldn't feel this way. I was supposed to be experiencing happy times, not all of this. Deeco instantly grabbed me, We held each other cried. He was going to be coming in once they had me set up. He was allowed to sit with me once I was all prepped until I went to the operating room. I kissed my Mother & Grandma with tears rolling down my face, Turn to the doors and heard faintly everyone say, "We love you, I'll see you in a little".

Now I couldn't control my tears. The nurses were trying to calm me down, and said it was normal for me to be nervous, especially because I was pregnant, Hormones running wild. I got in my hospital gown, had IV's put in, and then the anesthesiologist came to see me. He was middle aged, nice but very blunt. He proceeded to tell me he decided I was going to stay awake for the procedure because it was safest for the baby. That's when I started to panic, What I was going to be awake the entire time? This was not in the plan? I didn't mentally prepare myself for this! Why the sudden change? I started to freak out, told them to get Deeco right away, I couldn't get many words out. I remember the doors bursting open and Deeco literally running to my hospital bed. He said "What's wrong" over and over before I could get it out. Finally I bursted out with "They say they are going to keep me awake?". Deeco has a very strong personality, He turned to the anesthesiologist and aggressively said, "What do you mean she's staying awake, I want the doctor here now". This kind of started an up roar in the OR. The anesthesiologist stood back, raised his voice and Deeco did the same. Doctor's were running over and so were nurses. Deeco's intentions weren't to be aggressive at the time, He was just as scared as me and just didn't understand why the plan was now changing.

My Doctor came in and calmed the situation. He explained the risk of me going completely under and why it's safer for me to stay awake. Though this is not what we had been told from the beginning we trusted their judgement and went fourth. I again said my emotional good byes to Deeco. As he left I was then given an epidural. I remember being rolled back to the operating room. We we got to the room, it was extremely cold and just white walls. Everything I had seen in movies. I layed there teeth chattering, scared half to death. An assistant came and stood behind me my entire surgery, He talked to me to ease the situation and played with my hair the entire time. He has such a peaceful and kind persona about him that in a way made it so comforting. 

As I was laying there, another surgeon was called in. I started to get a bad feeling, As I was trying to hear their conversation over all the machinery all I could make out was, "I don't understand she had multiple ultrasounds that clearly show it?". I knew something was wrong, just didn't know what yet. I started to get worked up, my heart monitor started to make loud noises, and the surgeons threw the tools down making a loud clinking noise and ran out of the room. I instantly lost it, I started yelling, "What's wrong" over and over. The nurses just kept responding "You're going to be fine". The kind touches and hair play from the assistant were not going to make a difference now, I knew something was wrong. Clearly why would two doctors run out of a surgery? 

My next question was "Is the baby ok?" It's all I cared about. I asked it over and over frantically I wasn't giving anyone time to answer the question. Finally a nurse came to me and said "Yes the baby's fine, I saw everything & between you and I, I think its a Boy".  I had planned on having a gender reveal party, Way to ruin it nurse! Haha... But yet I started to get excited to tell Deeco.... I knew this was his biggest dream. A fishing buddy, someone to play soccer with, & most of all someone to carry out the name! 

While I was being closed up, the doctor's had walked Deeco & My mother to the chapel. Nothing ever good comes out of a meeting in the chapel at a hospital. We all know this. He looked at them and stated that when he had opened me up, nothing was there. He had left my ovary because nothing was there. The doctor was sweating, he was frantic he just was totally besides him self. I had an ultra sound every week until this day to watch the growth. It clearly was visible, How in the world could it be gone? The Doctor had no answers, and Deeco and My mother always tell me they will never forget that day or the feeling of being brought into that room.

Meanwhile, I was in recovery. I can remember being very sick coming out of the anesthesia. It does not sit well with my stomach. Suddenly the double doors to my right opened. My doctor's face was so disturbed. He pulled a stool next to my bed, held my hand, place it next to his cheek and cried saying "I am so sorry for doing this to you". I cried and asked what happened, what was wrong? He explained that when we opened me up, nothing was there. He proceeded to explain he took everything out that could be blocking view of the "Cyst on my ovaries". His last words were, "We all clearly seen this numerous times, Only answer I have is it is an act of god, that made it disappear".  As he finished that statement, I was speechless, He proceeded to reassure me that he was going to do more test on me the following day and would not leave the hospital that night, he wanted to start some research. As he walked away, I layed there in complete shock. I didn't know what to think yet. I was feeling no pain, I was still numb. I was just very sick to my stomach. Deeco and my mother walked in shortly after, Tears running down their face. I looked at them and said "This is not an act of god." They agreed. When I say that I'm not saying I'm not a believer. I am and honestly god has been on our side for a lot of our hardships, I'll explain later in my story. But I just knew something was not right. How do you see something larger than a softball on multiple ultrasounds and now its gone? Nothing was adding up.

July 5, 2012 had now changed our lives forever. The entire time, I'm going through all this, remember my little miracle baby is living and growing inside me. From this moment, We knew that, that little life had now saved mine... We just didnt know the extremes of everything quite yet. Without the baby we would have never seen or found whatever this was.... But we were now only beginning to get to the bottom of it.....

July 5, 2012 and my entire hospital stay will be continued in the next blog. I'm going to share a very personal photo that not many has seen.